MY FAV JOKES SeXStoRY

Patient to doctor: The problem is that obesity runs in our f****y. Doctor to patient: No.............the problem's that no one runs in your f****y. I was walking home late one night and saw a woman in the shadows. "Ten pounds . ." she whispers. I'd never been with a prostiture before, so i decided, it’s only a tenner,why not, So we hide in the bushes. Were going at it for a minute or so when all of a sudden a light flashes on us. It’s a policeman.,"Ello ello ello,What’s going on here, " asks the officer. "I’m making love to my wife!, " i answered indignantly. "Oh, I’m sorry, " says the cop, "I didn’t know." "Well neither did I til you shined that fucking light in her face!!" went to a mate's wedding and I whispered to a bloke next to me "Isn't the bride a right ugly bastard?" "Do you mind? That's my daughter you're talking about" "I'm really sorry, I didn't know you were her father" "I'm not . . . . I'm her mother you cheeky fucker..!! Girl went into confession & said to the priest, "l'm pregnant." He asked, "How did this happen, my c***d?" She said, "I think it must be the second coming." The priest, shocked by this reply asked, "What makes you think it was the second coming?" She replied, "Because I swallowed the first". A couple of lads tried to get into my car last night so I attacked them with a baseball bat.I'm not cut out to be a taxi driver. Guy in a nightclub see's a big ugly girl at the bar and walks upto her. He say's "have you got a pen?" she answers excitedly "Yes!" He replies "Well you'd better fuck off back to it before the farmer finds you gone!!" My fat girlfriend said to me "Do you know my favourite band?" Apparently saying "Obviously not a gastric band" was not appropriate. "I see someone got d***k last night," said my wife waking me up."I only had 3 beers, so you're fucking wrong!" I raged."Fair enough," she replied, "But could you roll off the driveway, I'm going to be late for work." After a week of sunbathing on the beach,i remember my Ex-wife was looking at her tan in the mirror."That's weird," she said, "my armpits are still white.""I'm not surprised," I replied. "When you go topless that's where your tits end up." I was sat on the toilet the other night, straining really really hard, with all my might when suddenly, there was a loud POP and everything when dark."Honey are you OK!?" Called my Girlfriend from the other room. "There's been a powercut!""..................T​hank God for that!" I shouted back. "I thought my fucking eyeballs had burst!"